TJ Aug. 17,18

Wed./Thur. Aug. 17,18:  Loosening exer., Bitter Pill, Waving, Fajin Throwing hands, Standing Practice - primarily focused on 13 points (per usual), on Wed. forgot to keep crown suspended to the necessary extent, also was "trying" to assume 13 points.  Keep forgetting that these conditions must "come about" due to proper mindset of open awareness and continual releasing.  Notice a correlation between "trying too hard" and frustration, which only makes the conditions go further and further away.  Sent awareness to releasing perineum and suspending crown points and began to get more comfortable.  Standing practice is becoming more and more a necessity, as I'm seeing that it is the place where everything has to come together in order to maintain ease and comfort.  Also, getting the front to drop and condense is a very subtle skill, and it requires a certain concentration.  To initiate this yin response seems to be not so tough, but keeping it that way is another story.  Still fighting the battle of remembering all the points and principles, conditions, etc. while at the same time being formless and without thinking.  Still getting very brief moments where they all come together, but this usually doesn't last longer than a few seconds, up to twenty maybe at the max.  I'm hoping and thinking that devoting more time to standing practice will help to make these states more consistent and long-lasting.  Fajin throwing hands practice still a mystery to me.  Throwing the hands quickly and forcefully in a coordinated way isn't much of a problem, but I do it with tension and muscularity.  Finding a way to do it with release and ease but powerfully has proven quite an obstacle.  As I said, starting slowly with the movements and building up allows me to feel what should be going on inside, but the shear coordination of the absorption down to the feet and an upward explosion from there is where I lose it.  I can't figure out how to get it from the feet up through the body and out the hands on its own.  I end up jerking my body and arms, and I'm positive nothing is going on iside them.  I can sometimes get to where I can feel the fullness load up in the mingmen/tailbone/center of mass region a little, and i get the feeling that is significant, but i can't get it to go anywhere or do anything from there.  Guess I'll just keep working.