Hmm... I kind of forgot exactly what I was supposed to journal about but we just wrapped up doing the standing mental model and are moving onto stillness.
So here is my reflection so far on standing. In the beginning I wasn't really able to feel anything, (backstop, bones pushing, tissue pulling). I remember I would just lock the knees and move the hips forward and release the knee lock over and over in hopes of feeling something in my feet. I also remember closing my eyes to try and search inwards. When my eyes were shut my balance was a little off because I wasn't focusing on any point and I would sort of sway just a little bit forward and backwards inadvertantly but during this swaying I feel like occasionally I would catch a glimpse of some sort of feeling in the foot. Eventually there had been enough glimpses where I thought maybe I was somehow accidentally doing something right.
This then eventually turned into trying to do certain things inside of my legs/feet to try and capture the foot couple feelings. As things progressed it became more and more clear although the feelings would change. At first I was able to feel some kind of sensation of pulling in the feet and a bit of the backstop, then it changed where I didn't feel the pulling so much but it felt like I could feel more of the bones pushing sensation.
Then at a certain point I felt like I was on the bottom of the wheel. Everytime I would practice it was like I was doing the same things I would do before but my mind just couldn't perceive the feelings in the foot. There were other qualities in my body that made me think I was doing it right but again it was like my mind was just saying nope, not going to let you see it today.
Then towards the end when we were nearing wrapping up somehow my mind and body were able to feel some version of the foot couple again but it was slightly different. Also as I have been doing the standing there are parts of the legs that have tension but then later on that tension doesn't come around and there is tension other parts higher up. It sort of feels like the body is learning to map some kind of stretching or perception slowing from the bottom up towards the top. As this mapping progresses also I've noticed that the standing has at times become more difficult as I get higher up the body. Right now when I do get this feeling where I'm feelng tension it seem to be at the kua's or the hip sockets.
When we did the final piece of lifting the back of the diaphram to lift the front of the diaphram it was definitely just a very faint sensation of something in the front of the chest but I did have once practice where it felt like I was feeling stretches in the head and the faces so maybe that is a part of feeling that the backstop is supporting the head neck and shoulders.