Starting over

     I've been gone from the community for a while. Having gone through a series of traumatic events over the last few years my body has also gone through some very significant changes. Engaging with the training is often a very frustrating experience in the sense that I am often comparing my experience of my body with what it used to feel like. Those two things are nothing alike. My body is uncomfortable to be in at ll times and there are certain patterns that are locked in and make feeling anything other than that pattern seem impossible. Practically a reversal. My body seems to sense the front of my upper torso as if it is my back. My back stays tight and trying to Bend ends up being and effort at my neck and the raise the shoulders and pulls the solar plexus in and up. The whole center line is tight all of the time. During sitting, the practice seems to be noticing all of this tightness and discomfort and trying not to fight it and look more deeply for the U. It's very difficult and I rarely am able to feel anything change. Breathing itself seems reversed. The belly tend to not fill and the pressure comes up toward the throat and pulls the front of the ribcage and sternum in and up. Just trying to lay out some descriptions of what I'm feeling. Truly fells like starting over, which I'm working on being okay with. It is what it is. The only way to more freedom in my body is to try and engage with the training in some way.